Last night, I had one of those dreams to wake a person buried in even the deepest denial. It was deep and disorienting, and though it kept waking me, it only returned stronger each time I would drift back to sleep. The alarm had gone off several times over before I could finally wake for good.
I remember it seemed to begin in Phoenix's family home. We had just found out his uncles were coming to visit for the day, so I quickly made excuses about needing to work and made my exit before they could arrive. Then at work, Phoenix gave me a phone-call to let me know they just wanted to have a meal with us, and if it was less pressure, we could have dinner out with them and Phoenix's parents that evening after work. I agreed hesitantly, but when I stepped from the office to leave, his uncles were waiting on me. They began chasing me up and down the road, through the gardens, and the office car-park. I was begging for them to go away and leave me alone but they wouldn't. Finally, they cornered me between two cars and demanded to know why I was hiding, why I didn't like them, why I was taking Phoenix away from his home country, and how I could be so selfish and horrible. I was in tears, and I ran back into the office to hide in the toilet for a little bit. They followed and sat through in the waiting room which (for some reason) had a clear wall between it and the toilet, so when the uncles seemingly cajoled a child into bumping whatever was covering the wall, the whole waiting room could see me on the toilet. I fled the office again in tears, and retreated to what looked like my own family home, but somehow one of his uncles found me. I hid in the shop and then in the den until Phoenix appeared and began trying to comfort me, but just as we were getting anywhere, his mother arrived and started questioning me as well. It was disguised as small talk but every remark was loaded to the point I angrily asked her too to leave us alone, at which she was terribly hurt and Phoenix was upset I had offended her.
I don't remember much after that. The interrogation by his uncles just keeps going around and around my head as I sit here and try to distract myself with emails or Cheezeburger or even my 2011 tax forms. The anger has worn off now that Phoenix and I went over it again, and he understands just why it upset me so much, but it doesn't lessen the tension within me whenever his uncles' "requested" visit comes up. He wants to see them before we move. They want to see us before we move. I want to move and help Phoenix to find his feet and prove to his family that he is a capable, responsible, intelligent adult. I'm just not sure his family would allow us that without hurt feelings, and that's not what I want for them or Phoenix.
Is it selfish to say I just want to find a way to make everyone happy without feeling such terrible pressure myself? I keep asking myself that, and I keep coming back to it being nothing but childish and cowardly, because it would probably mean either (a) putting any family get-together off until we come back to visit or (b) courteously avoiding any family get-together set up beforehand. I just don't feel strong enough to deal with the pressure at the moment.
It's hard enough when people little better than strangers assume it's because I've been unhappy here that Phoenix decided to move. As if Phoenix could never want to relocate or see something he wanted elsewhere! I know it's a huge move and I won't argue that my unhappiness has played a part in our decision, but would it be different if we were moving from Phoenix's home country to a entirely foreign country rather than the my home country? Would that be more acceptable? Would that be an adult decision rather than somehow being my fault? I don't think people realize how much it's tearing me up inside, taking Phoenix away from the place he was born and raised. I'm not doing it out of any desire to monopolize or harm him. In fact, if Phoenix had at any point before or during our visa processing said that he didn't want to move, I would've tried to stick it out here. This has been Phoenix's decision as much as (if not more than) mine.
I've grown up being judged at family get-togethers, for one reason or another. When I was stronger, I could deal with the emotional turmoil and anger mixed with familial pity, but these people aren't my family. They are Phoenix's family, and all they've ever known me as is some figment of their imagination - not myself. I'm not me around them and they don't even realize it. They just judge that person... and I can hardly bear thinking about it at all.
I want to move with Phoenix, find our paths and our feet, and then come back to visit as ourselves. At least then if his family don't always approve of us, we can at least be secure in ourselves. The pressure would melt away and we could just be.... That, I would love.
